As I was considering how to approach the topic of self-pity, I just happened to be watching a candle. As the flame was continually batted back and forth by the circulation of air in the room, it occurred to me that this is an excellent metaphor for what it is like to live with a tendency toward self-pity. We are regularly buffeted by negative / adverse experiences, and if our default position is to feel hurt as we indulge questions of fairness, we will be emotionally knocked around like a flame in a drafty room, never able to steady ourselves.
When we initially experience adversity, we may ask "Why me?" This is natural and OK, as long as we are able to move forward productively. However, if we entertain this thought, turning it over and over, nourishing it, we ensure that we will go nowhere. We will bind ourselves to the view that the problem is not fair and get stuck. Although we may on the surface continue to move through our day, we will remain locked in a self-defeating thought pattern of feeling sorry for ourselves and blaming others, external circumstances, God, etc. There is nothing to be gained by getting trapped in this thought loop. And, if we look for opportunities to sulk, we will always find them.
Developing the mental strength to identify this thinking and shake it the moment it emerges can be especially difficult in a culture driven by comparison, competition, and conspicuous consumption (it is not enough to acquire things--we need others to see that we have them). We live in a consumer culture and economy, which are designed to foster discontent so that we will continue to purchase goods and services. Many of us also immerse ourselves in social media (primarily Facebook for adults), which foster a mentality of comparison (look what he/she/they get to have/do while I go without). If we are immersed in input that sparks discontent, we are already set up to feel sorry for ourselves.
The battleground for fighting self-pity is our mind. We have to develop a habit of challenging our thoughts as we find ourselves beginning to feel sorry for ourselves for whatever reason. The thoughts, which drive our feelings, usually come quickly, so we find ourselves playing catch up, noticing the negative feelings first, and then backtracking to the potential thoughts that triggered them. We then challenge those thoughts with more realistic / accurate / healthy responses, depending on the situation.
I have certainly had a number of things not go my way in life, and I have many times first responded from a position of self-pity. What determined my next steps was how quickly I realized this and short-circuited the process. And the stronger my sense of entitlement to whatever was in question, the more difficult this was to overcome.
I welcome your input as we reflect on this chapter. How do you struggle with self-pity, and what strategies do you use to fight it? How has Morin helped you grasp this issue and develop methods to confront it? For me, it was her focus on gratitude. Consider the view that we cannot feel sorry for ourselves while feeling grateful.
This chapter starts off with the "self pity party" checklist. As I went through these things, I was feeling pretty good...no,no,no,not me, no. Then boom, "You're more likely to tell people what went wrong during your day rather than what went well." That one I react positively to. When my family asks me about my day, it is the negative that I focus on. I'd like that to change. I am going to make a conscious effort to look for the silver lining in my day, and be grateful for the good things that happen. I think just speaking it out loud to my family when they ask about my day will go far in helping to change my attitude.
ReplyDeleteLee, I couldn't agree more with your perspective. I believe that in our profession, because we need to be positive for the students throughout the day, we are at risk of venting whatever frustrations we have stored up when we get home. And, I believe your strategy is ideal--forcing yourself to recall what went well and "speaking it out loud." As we develop a more positive attitude at home, it may initially take talking over the negative thought patterns with positive language. I need to work on this, too. I have the same tendency, and as a parent, I am responsible for establishing a positive climate in my home. There really is nothing to be accomplished through a tendency to complain, especially at home, where our families are relying on us to be a source of hope, encouragement, and warmth.
DeleteThe statement about being more likely to tell people what went wrong also affects me. I have a tendency to dwell on negative things that happen in my day. Usually this is an attempt to try and figure out what I did wrong or what I could have done differently. I need to shift my thinking to be more grateful for the many blessings that I have in my life.
ReplyDeleteI also really enjoyed the story about CDR Denton. His reaction upon returning to the states was amazing! Very few people could maintain such a positive attitude given the circumstances he had to endure. I hope that I could respond to negative circumstances even half as well as he did.
I appreciate your take on this chapter, Steve. I, too, need to develop a default position of gratitude, regardless of the circumstances. We tend to operate from a place of want rather than one of contentment, and this pattern does not lead to peace or joy. Deficit thinking simply fosters dissatisfaction. Reading about Commander Denton was humbling for me as well, especially when I consider my threshold for complaining compared to his. What an inspiring example of inner strength! I am hoping that as we move through this book, we will have set the stage to be more like him when things don't go our way. Sometimes, it takes studying the struggles of others to put ours into a healthy perspective.
DeleteCoach Kennedy recently shared the following gratitude exercise with me: participants write their problems on a card/piece of paper and place them in a circle, and when they have an opportunity to choose what problem they prefer after seeing what everyone has contributed, they invariably retrieve their own back out of the circle.
That sounds like a great exercise from Coach. Humbling. Realizing that you'd rather have your own problems than someone else's. That your own problems are not actually that bad.
DeleteI also enjoyed the story of Commander Denton. I'm so thankful that there are people who willingly serve our country in that manner, because I am pretty sure I am not cut out for that. It is a real sacrifice.
One of my biggest weaknesses is that I'm a complainer. It's very hard for me to feel content. I've always had this underlying personality trait of wanting to be perfect which is so unrealistic! I inevitably complain and get into self-pity mode when everything isn't perfect. I tend to vent each day at lunch. I'm going to start sharing what went well with just a little bit of venting... :) It's hard to quit cold turkey! I'm getting better at realizing what I think are problems really aren't in comparison to if I put myself in another person's shoes. One thing I do to combat the pity party blues is exercise. I also tend to focus and dwell on what I think is and isn't fair in my work life. I think it stems in my lack of confidence to make it all work and be a master teacher. I tend to get stuck in that rut. I'm hoping to gain some mental strength in this area.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly relate to your perspective, Jennifer. When complaining becomes a habit, this way of viewing our circumstances from moment to moment becomes entrenched--and through neuroplasticity, our brains rewire themselves over time to accommodate this dominant way of thinking. As we get older, this becomes more difficult to reverse, but it is not impossible. We have to form a new, opposite habit of finding the positive and basis for gratitude in every situation we face, both minor and major. Over time, if we're diligent, this becomes our rewired, dominant way of thinking, and we become unshakable in the face of adversity. We have to keep in mind along the way, though, that we live in a desire- / comparison-driven culture, so this will be challenging. We have to minimize our exposure to this mentality as we recreate ourselves from within.
DeleteThank you Dr. Davis for providing this book study and for using the blog format. I am thankful to have this opportunity to engage in discussion about the issues that keep me from realizing my true potential. I have spent a great deal of time wrestling with this first topic. I wrote several pages of self-reflection in order to figure out what to say.
ReplyDeleteIt is easy for anyone to feel self-pity after suffering abuse, injustice, or injury, or when experiencing health issues that cause pain or discomfort. It is a terrible habit though to get caught in the "excuse loop," when facing difficult challenges. We have all been inspired by people who have faced seemingly insurmountable odds to achieve great things. And by great things, I realize that is a relative concept. To some, greatness may mean simply getting out of bed in the morning and getting dressed, regardless of a debilitating handicap.
I, like Jennifer have that annoying perfectionism issue. It is compounded by the echo of my mother's words which I heard time and again, "If you aren't going to do it right, don't do it at all." I realize that it is going to take persistent sustained practice to retrain my mind.
I listened to the "Joy on Demand" recording, and I am practicing the exercise described in which you visualize someone being happy. Fortunately, I do not experience hate or ill will toward others, but there are people in my past who have injured me. When I visualize these people being happy, I feel the universe seem to breathe a sigh of relief as if it is healing a little bit. I am healing a little bit every time I do the exercise.
I also made a list of things that I am grateful for. It was a long list-much longer than my list of complaints. May we all experience and recognize many wonderful slices of joy today! :-)
Hang in there, Talitha, and take each day, moment by moment, as an opportunity to perceive and respond to your circumstances with strength, believing that you create your reality by how you respond to your experiences. This is hard work and requires a whole-hearted commitment, but it is transformative. As an artist, you are already deeply tapping into your creativity. This same expression of innovation can be directed to recreating your self. You imagine your ideal version of your self, and you begin living as that person, as if that person were a reality--one day, one situation, one step at a time. You are your ultimate canvas.
DeleteThe story about Jack and his accident with the school bus made me think of my own response to my daughter, Malea's, medical diagnosis. We went through a huge range of emotions when we learned she needed brain surgery but we CHOSE to be grateful for the many blessings that led to that point, like having a name for her condition and learning there are doctors who could help. When people would ask about her I tried to answer with positive comments and recount our blessings, but some people would quickly turn the conversation toward pity/concern/sadness. This was difficult to hear and often impossible to rebut. With all the attention we received, it felt wrong somehow for it to be negave or sad. Now, when I learn of a similar situation with someone else, I try hard to focus on the positive for them and see the silver lining, even if they don't. Yet.
ReplyDeleteCharlene, you handled what would easily be an all-consuming challenge for any parent with model grace and composure. I know that you were certainly an example to me as I observed how you confronted this situation with such strength. And, I am sure that Malea and the rest of your family were able to draw from your strength as well, as they each coped with this crisis. Our children, our friends, our colleagues, our relatives--we all need to see examples of courage and composure under high-stress conditions to remind us of how we are capable of a similar response. Someone has to step forward and set the tone when chaos approaches. This is what you did as you inspired and encouraged those around you in the process. Emotions are simply an outcome of our thoughts. You chose your thoughts carefully rather than let them run amok and by doing so you were able to manage your emotions and the self-defeating language that comes with them.
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