As I was considering how to approach the topic of self-pity, I just happened to be watching a candle. As the flame was continually batted back and forth by the circulation of air in the room, it occurred to me that this is an excellent metaphor for what it is like to live with a tendency toward self-pity. We are regularly buffeted by negative / adverse experiences, and if our default position is to feel hurt as we indulge questions of fairness, we will be emotionally knocked around like a flame in a drafty room, never able to steady ourselves.
When we initially experience adversity, we may ask "Why me?" This is natural and OK, as long as we are able to move forward productively. However, if we entertain this thought, turning it over and over, nourishing it, we ensure that we will go nowhere. We will bind ourselves to the view that the problem is not fair and get stuck. Although we may on the surface continue to move through our day, we will remain locked in a self-defeating thought pattern of feeling sorry for ourselves and blaming others, external circumstances, God, etc. There is nothing to be gained by getting trapped in this thought loop. And, if we look for opportunities to sulk, we will always find them.
Developing the mental strength to identify this thinking and shake it the moment it emerges can be especially difficult in a culture driven by comparison, competition, and conspicuous consumption (it is not enough to acquire things--we need others to see that we have them). We live in a consumer culture and economy, which are designed to foster discontent so that we will continue to purchase goods and services. Many of us also immerse ourselves in social media (primarily Facebook for adults), which foster a mentality of comparison (look what he/she/they get to have/do while I go without). If we are immersed in input that sparks discontent, we are already set up to feel sorry for ourselves.
The battleground for fighting self-pity is our mind. We have to develop a habit of challenging our thoughts as we find ourselves beginning to feel sorry for ourselves for whatever reason. The thoughts, which drive our feelings, usually come quickly, so we find ourselves playing catch up, noticing the negative feelings first, and then backtracking to the potential thoughts that triggered them. We then challenge those thoughts with more realistic / accurate / healthy responses, depending on the situation.
I have certainly had a number of things not go my way in life, and I have many times first responded from a position of self-pity. What determined my next steps was how quickly I realized this and short-circuited the process. And the stronger my sense of entitlement to whatever was in question, the more difficult this was to overcome.
I welcome your input as we reflect on this chapter. How do you struggle with self-pity, and what strategies do you use to fight it? How has Morin helped you grasp this issue and develop methods to confront it? For me, it was her focus on gratitude. Consider the view that we cannot feel sorry for ourselves while feeling grateful.
